You Can’t quit. And You Can’t give up.

12605466_10204008676897391_816860599833621906_oYou Can’t quit. And You Can’t give up.

Even if you want to. You can’t. I hesitate in putting this up, it is much more publicly vulnerable than I normally like to be, and I believe there is someone out there who needs this, so…

Here is my story… Some of you may know I have had a very challenging past 6 months, reasons of which I can not fully go into detail right now.  Let it be sufficient to know that I had reached one of the lowest places in my life, if not the lowest. 

I had mostly lost my singular income source, cycling through a series of roommates, one of which in a whirl of confusion and anger told me she was moving out in 3 days, no rent paid and I was leaving to Wisconsin for Christmas in 2 days. 

I felt like the wind had been knocked out of my chest, I was already at my end, wanting to just lay down and disappear, to just have it all be over and done.  I had no strength left and all I wanted to do was go home and be with my family.  I felt mostly dead, and the only vision I could see was like that of The Gladiator when he was at the edge of death floating above the fields towards his family. 

Somehow I did what I needed to do to get my home protected and myself on a plane. I was glad to be home, safe, cared for and not alone.  Nothing else mattered for the time I was there.  It was the best trip home I had ever had. My mom and I had a great time shopping for new clothes for me – a first ever in my life time.  She even said to me “You’re Worth it” and that I should wear clothes that “pop” My mom said that.  We had a family, a good time as a family, this too was a first for me, in my lifetime – Dad helped us with grocery shopping, and prepping Christmas dinner – the whole time was a dream come true, something I never knew possible for us. It was the best trip I’d ever had, and quite possibly the shortest and longest at the same time. 

The first 3 days I was numb, and would just feel half-awake or alive, and trying to get through the day I just laid down, and all I wanted to do was sleep – go numb.  And when the time came to come back to California I felt half alive, there was still a ways to go, and I was feeling better.My dad told me it would all be ok, it would work out.  And we cried together.  Then I had to get on the bus to the airport, that was a long trip.

Back in California, I knew I had some decisions to make, what to do next, still feeling rather weak, wanting to just give up at times, not as often, but just as deep. Then there was the morning at the gym.  I hadn’t gone in months, and as of this writing I haven’t gone back since. Quite a change after being in the gym 5x a week for a year. Anyway that morning I was on the elliptical and a news story came on the TV, somehow a car had ended up in the cold winter waters of a river.  There was 3 kids and a father stuck in side, drowning. As they told the story of the heroics of the men that came and helped to save this family I remembered the story “It’s a Wonderful Life” how the man had wished he had died the day he almost drowned so many years ago, and how an angel showed him what the town would have been like had he not been there. 

I cried, and I was so mad, I knew in that moment I had no choice, there was no quitting, no disappearing, and no just going away forever.  In the middle of the Gym I cried.  And my life changed again in a moment, whatever it was it lifted and my life began to turn around. I’m not out of the woods and I still have my moments, but they are nothing like before, and I know there is another side to this time of my life.  Just taking it one day at a time.  One step at a time.

So, the moral, why do I share all of this?  Because you may be there, or close or maybe you were at one time.  Regardless, we all need to know someone who has been through it, who has survived and come out the other side, and lived.  Not just lived, but thrived beyond what they ever dreamed possible. I am one of those people who live and thrive beyond any dreams I ever thought possible, this is my life, my destiny – no matter how many times I have come close to death, or wanted to, I somehow always pull through and am better for that time.  You will too. 

The world needs you, we all need you and what you have to offer in some form or fashion.  We don’t always know what or why we are here, rest assured we all have a purpose and a mission; there are no mistakes and no accidents. 

Like you reading this right now – not a mistake or an accident. Embrace your life, look up to your higher power, and in the words of Winston Churchill…  Never, Never, Never Give up! 

You will be glad.  

To your highest good and your greatest strengths,

With much love,